DETROIT, MI – SEPTEMBER 10: Kenny Golladay #19 of the Detroit Lions scores a touch down in the second half against Justin Bethel #28 of the Arizona Cardinals at Ford Field on September 10, 2017 in Detroit, Michigan. (Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images)

Let me guess. You didn’t start any of these guys in Week 1. MORON.

QB – Alex Smith, Chiefs: 28-for-35, 368 yards, 4 TD

Why didn’t you start Alex “The Assassin” Smith this week? Let me guess: because his greatest previous game in 24 years in the NFL was 111 yards passing and no turnovers? You overthought it, idiot.

RB – Mike Gillislee, Patriots: 15 carries, 45 yards, 3 TD

Bill Belichick has 17 running backs on his depth chart, so you didn’t start Gillislee because you didn’t know if he’d even play, let alone get three touchdowns? Uhhh … Bill has two Ls, Gillislee has two Ls. It couldn’t have been more obvious who he was going to play, dumbass.

RB – Tarik Cohen, Bears: 113 total yards, TD

It’s 2017 and yet you still didn’t think a Jewish athlete could put up big numbers? BIGOT.

WR – Kenny Golladay, Lions: 4 catches, 69 yards, 2 TD

You: “I never heard of this guy before yesterday, so I don’t see how I could be blamed for not starting him in fantasy football.”

Me: “Winners don’t make excuses.”

WR – Nelson Agholor, Eagles: 6 catches, 86 yards, TD

Just because Nelson Agholor was horrible in his two seasons in the NFL before Week 1, it was not a good reason to not play him in fantasy on Sunday. It’s called “recency bias,” dummy, and you fell victim to it. Read a book.

TE – Jesse James, Steelers: 6 catches, 41 yards, 2 TD

You, a dumb: “Le’Veon Bell is a fantasy stud.”

Me, a smart: “Le’Veon Bell missed all of training camp, Jesse James has been there every day, so smart people will draft Jesse James No. 1 overall in fantasy.”

Flex – Cooper Kupp, Rams: 4 catches, 76 yards, TD

It was hard to see this performance coming.

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